The following is a letter I wrote to my Mother. This is the most vulnerable and open I can get. The letter was written to her in part explaining my actions, as well as apologizing for my actions. The night before this was written, my parents, as well as Christy (my now wife, but girlfriend at the time) each received a late night phone call from a frantic Rhet, asking each of them to come quickly, I needed their help. I had eaten 10 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms. What started out as a beautiful, sacred, ceremonious experience, turned into a terrifying, embarrassing night of needing the people I loved the most to help me understand that I in fact had NOT died.
"I really don't think God and Satan are separate, more like there's a personality and version/experience of God that feels like torment and evil. It's not something God just unleashes on us to be mean or for no reason. But last night I saw monsters with horns and I laughed at them and called them out, fought off the distraction to snap out of it and stayed in it.
Before it started really taking over I remember holding on to my mind for dear life and almost begging God to forgive me even before it happened. Like okay God please protect me, please forgive me, I want the full wrath, I want the full fear encounter, but I want you God, I don't want power or self or evil, I want to be a better human and experience life with more love and happiness. I literally prayed that prayer going into it and when I blasted off and switched dimensions, it was like... all shapes and colors but it was like I was in the psyche of my fetus mind, then childhood mind, then it was sorta like I was in an ocean of consciousness where I am one little pocket of time and space, but were alllll in this ocean and there's no separateness. It was so beautiful. I felt loved and welcomed and at peace. Like it was me inside the mind of God.... then this song came on and it was about "what one day of life in heaven"would be like and it was like I was a super hero flying through space and I threw my fist up, overwhelmed with laughter and happiness and it was like...the MOST INTENSE sensation where I was happy. Then, my tv and music just shut off. I don't know why. That's when everything went south. I couldn't figure out if that was like "shows over, you died" or if the tv just went to sleep mode or what but it was too perfect of timing and felt planned. So then, I came back to my body. At first this felt groovy. Everything was in slow motion and I could see what was perhaps waves of energy in the quantum realm. Then, I started seizing out. Drooling. Twitching. Uncontrollably speaking tongues. I remember thinking "whoa I'm doing it; I wish Christy could hear me" then it wouldn't stop, I was seeing air move, lights in my peripherals, felt a presence in the room that wasn't just me... I knew it was something Supernatural, but also knew something was off... hands and legs shaking uncontrollably, body vibrating (hence the tongues) and it was like "oh no, I can't stop" and THAT'S when I started to panic. It scared me. I realized I had something so perfect and beautiful already in my life and the thought of it being lost forever just broke my heart. So, I don't want to do it again, but it was so powerful how could I not forever crave that vibration? It was like, what yoga and music and sex tries to deliver. But last night, it delivered. It was unlike anything.
I feel like I need to be ashamed an apologetic because I know it was scary for you, I know you guys don't quite understand it, I know it's disappointing and a letdown to have to come convince your son he didn't die and isn't having a stroke and I know it has to be an odd feeling to pour ice on your 28 yr old sons head while he claims he can't remember the ABC's. That's why I feel bad. I don't feel bad for doing what I did because I did it for a reason, I got more than what I bargained for. I saw the other side and it's like, okay.. I'm done. I don't wana do that anymore. But you've always said I'm searching for something. Idk, I guess I've been trying to size up god and see what's really possible in the mind. And I wrote up what I think happened. Maybe one day you can read it. But right now just trust me, I'm safe. I'm not going to overdose or relapse and I don't have a drug problem, I have befor. But lately I've just had a Rhet Problem. It sucks that it took me going that far just to see that I NEED other ppl and I have not been very kind or patient or selfless. I've been so hung up on something else that I just, couldn't see what was right in front of me. I love you and Dad so much. Hell to me is not being able to find you in a crowd at my basketball game. It's me dying and not having you by my side to see me into the afterlife. It's me losing my mind and Dad feeling like he let me down as a father. It's me waiting for Christy to come but she never does, it's like, me being dead and insane but not remembering that I died or knowing how to stop the chaos of my mind. That's why I thought I died. I spent a good 20-30 minutes in complete chaos with no control, no sense of reality, couldn't tell if I was on fire or bleeding, couldn't remember if I talked to you. I thought your dream last week of me dying must've been real and I had died and I'm stuck in a wormhole of you dreaming I died, me being in your dream, and me being insane and not being able to tell if I was dead, in your dream, or at the loft and way too high on mushrooms lol. Either way, I won't do that to you ever again. I promise you."